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Short-story PT.1: Sci-fi Story
#1
Hey guys! So recently I was bored so I decided to write a short sci-fi story since I love sci-fi and I always get images of scenarios in my head. I don't know how great my story writing skills are, so I would LOVE any amount of feedback on my story and writing and how I can improve it! I am currently in college and busy with personal thingiessssssss, so I will hopefully push out at most 2 pages a day or two.

No more wait! Here is it!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A clatter of hollowed metal hitting the nano-steel plated barriers muffled across the setting before gunfire flooded the ears of soldiers in a recruitment facility. An explosive amount of noise echoed around the room, enough to make stained glass explode into a colourful art piece. The thud of heavy duty metal hitting the ground can be heard as the support unit’s move into position. The fallen were retreated and the new recruits brought forward to continue the hold. With enough cover to take position behind and make a frontline, there was extremely slow progression to move forward. This was not going to end soon.

A sudden expansion of plasma energy caught the recruits on the right-wing defence position. I watched in horror as Charles and the fresh-mate (new recruit), Matt hit the barrier with a wild amount of force and hit the ground, probably unconscious, I hoped. ‘Better than death'. It was hard to tell with my visor flickering rapidly due to the disturbance of the plasma grenade. This kind of energy was new and, kind of sketchy, I suppose. A second later I fell backwards onto the plated floor and my gun slid three feet away. That is the last time I saw Charles and Matt in the battle, they were pulled out by some men and sent to the medical unit. The rest of the right-wing defence was disoriented but fighting, unconscious or shot dead. This isn’t happening… what are we doing here? We are not supposed to be in this situation right now, for fucks sake, we are not ready for this! I have only been here for a few months and a couple days, I just finished ‘basic instructions and command’ and ‘combat gear’ class’, I haven’t even finished a term yet and so haven’t most recruits here. My partner, Gunder, was here the same amount of time, and he, out of all the minds in this program, got the highest rankings in most of the exercises and weekly combat assessment tests. One of which was decision making under pressure, tactically and with a group of soldiers. Well, he’d usually be the one bashing orders on our heads, rarely when we had a squad leader though. He was in his mid-twenties and he knew to respect other as well as people would respect him if he was squad leader; A fair person overall. Most of the time Gunder was assigned squad leader, he made reasonable decisions and most of the time they were the best. Gunder used to game a lot when he was younger. We all did, but he took the more tactical approach in terms or mechanics and strategy of gameplay. Most of us came from a background of gaming that was all ‘fun in guns’ and I’m pretty sure most of the fresh-mate’s thought “shooting guns, this will be better than games!” But now, I think they really fucked themselves - hard.

“Gunder, what the hell do we do?” Wanter yelled, clearly frightened by the situation. Most recruits in our section looked up to him for answers at this point. The recruits knew what to do, but some were still frightened and from what they heard, Gunder and I knew what to do. It was clear that Gunder made the smart, tactical decision in the program.

Just then, green particles zoomed across the air in the direction of the right-wing defence. The recruits exposed were caught in the fire as a huge way of focused fire swept that angle. Any signs of life in that section quickly diminished. Some of the recruits and novice elite fired back, but most did not have the morale nor were fit to fight, some just froze. I fired back short volleys once and a while, but not recently. I, Gunder, and the other recruits with us watched the right-wing defense in horror, probably thinking ‘we were next’.

“Gunder, we are waiting fo –“. Wanter always needed orders and since they were attacked out of the blue, the response was too swift and unreasonable for him. Wanted had short, blonde hair and light brown eyes, he was 5’9”. Skinnier than most recruits but he had the spirit to fight larger than most, if he was given the right orders. Most recruits were wearing novice armour, basic infantry armour, weighing almost 20 pounds but still protected the vital parts of the human body, elbows, shoulder, head, knees and so on. The suit was a replica of T1-CBD armour used out in the field. The replica does not having shielding technology or compact armour since it would cost 2 lives and a new one but simulated programs still register those components on-screen. The helmet includes a HUD similar to the actual, with full features. Objective briefs are displayed on the top-left, ammunition and shield/armour status are on the bottom-left. The middle-right toggled between altitude, speed (also inertia) and wind speed/direction or the weather, current Zone-time/TSD (Time Since Department) and also wind speed/direction. The comm status including field, station, section and team-wide broadcasts are listed and aired on the top-right of the HUD. Any enemy or friendly identified signatures have a green, red or gray circle around them indicating allies name, rank, status, mood and distance or enemies distance, status (Shield and armour/worn out AKA “Body” status), gear is applicable and threat level, but I won’t talk about that last one much. Some recruits weren’t wearing anything but academy branded t-shirt and shorts with their firearms and a bag of ammunition on the floor next to them. All I was picking up from behind the barrier were red signatures and at least 15 from a quick count, unknown gear, unknown “body” status. ‘Oh, we are so fucked… I hope I am wrong’ I cried to myself.

“Alright soldiers, this is not a drill! Get your heads in the game.” He continued. “Daycare is on its way, until then, we need to hold off, this is not our last stand, this will be our first victory!” his voice slightly trembling. A combined “Hooah!” echoed across, the setting, and a reimbursed fight was at hand.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I hope you read it.. or most of it and got bored or something, this part is pretty boring and descriptive, I have to admit.

Please please PLEASE Comment on this and/or reccomend it to others if you hate/liked it and complain/compliment on it! Tell me what you think! I will not put up a list of questions because I do not want to restrict this. If you would like to PM me, do so on steam or on the forums about it!

Thanks again! I hope you enjoyed it, I can't wait to type out the next part!

Don't mess with ANARCHY!

[Image: tt4wO.gif]

- MjSpeCter
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#2
(03-21-2014, 07:51 PM)MjSpecter Wrote: Hey guys! So recently I was bored so I decided to write a short sci-fi story since I love sci-fi and I always get images of scenarios in my head. I don't know how great my story writing skills are, so I would LOVE any amount of feedback on my story and writing and how I can improve it! I am currently in college and busy with personal thingiessssssss, so I will hopefully push out at most 2 pages a day or two.

No more wait! Here is it!

------------------------------

I hope you read it.. or most of it and got bored or something, this part is pretty boring and descriptive, I have to admit.

Please please PLEASE Comment on this and/or reccomend it to others if you hate/liked it and complain/compliment on it! Tell me what you think! I will not put up a list of questions because I do not want to restrict this. If you would like to PM me, do so on steam or on the forums about it!

Thanks again! I hope you enjoyed it, I can't wait to type out the next part!

I've done some editing with you, and I say that what you have so far regarding the storyline is a pretty interesting, although it's just the prologue. Reading it, it sounds like your story is based off video games. I don't have criticism about that fact (do what you want!), and I'm interested on what you've got to offer as your story grows.

If you ever need my help, ask. I'm (mostly) available to help you out should you run into a problem while writing your story.
[Image: PDUmXZ6.png]
[Image: lWbyfQH.gif]
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